Shutting Down the Blog

Hey Dudes & Dudettes--
My time in the blogosphere was brief, but it has come to an end. So I'm shutting down the blog until further notice. It might be lovely to start it again, although perhaps not on Blogger since a few members of my audience complained of inability to post anonymously.
I've picked up a couple obligations in the real world that are absorbing my time, not the least of which is my new Little Sister through the Big Sister Association, so I'm moving my focus there. Thank you for your contributions!

Music Videos & Sexuality

Hi Audience,
Sorry the update didn't go up yesterday as planned. Technical difficulties; Blogger ate my post instead of posting my post.

I didn't get any questions last week. :-(
So I thought of a game for us to play! :-)

Pick a music video released in 2009-2011, preferably one talking about love/sex as a theme. Any genre, so long as the song was in the Top 40 when it was released. (So pop, popular rap, popular country, etc are all valid categories.) Then, the next person will comment on what they see in the video. You might see gendered expectations. Or maybe sexuality expressed as kink? Or perhaps as vanilla romance? Whatever you see, tell us!

So I'll start with a personal favorite:
"Just Dance" by Lady Gaga


The next person comments on my video, and posts a video, creating a chain effect.
Have fun!

Technical Difficulties

Sorry folks,
Post on Thursday was written up and posted ... I've only just now noticed it has mysteriously disappeared. Weird. It'll be up by midnight tonight since I have to re-type it now.
-Diana

Watching of Porn

Porn. We all watch it. Most of us have ... strong feelings about it. How do women feel about porn? How do men feel porn? Can we generalize effectively? An article from Psychology Today shows some surprising reactions of men and women.

From Psychology Today:

And after all, women don't really like porn! Do they? In fact, studies by Meredith Chivers show that women react as strongly to porn as men do. In some cases, it seems that women actually react more strongly to porn than do men, as women respond with physiological arousal to visual depictions of almost any sexual activity, whereas men seem to be much more rigid and limited in what they respond to. But, whereas men respond with both physical and psychological arousal, women more frequently show physical arousal, at the same time they deny being turned on. So, women react to porn, they may just be unwilling or unable to acknowledge it - after all, they are taught from childhood that "good girls don't do that!"

Okay you say, alright, so maybe women react to porn, but they don't like the hardcore stuff. They want the nice stuff, romance, flowers and chocolate, then sex. They're not like men, who just want the money shot. Actually, in contrast to the belief that men watching pornography is just about the “gynecological shot,” and that all men care about is genitalia, recent research at the Atlanta Center for Behavioral Neuroscience has shown that when men watch pornography, the thing they attend to most, is a woman’s face. In fact, compared to women watching pornography, men looked at the faces of porn actors sooner and more, than women did!

So, women get turned on by pornography, but find it hard to admit. And men actually care about women's faces in pornos. How do you feel about watching pornography? If your partner watches pornography, is it violation of monogamy? Is is different if a women watches porn versus a man? Let me know what you think!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2011/apr/07/women-addicted-internet-pornography
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201010/women-watching-porn-not-in-my-town

Should I Remain Friends With My Ex?

Dear Diana,
My boyfriend and I were on-and-off for awhile. I did finally say enough is enough and now we're through, but how many chances should you really give a guy?
~kinder than kind

Well Kinder Than Kind, it depends first of all on how long its been since you dated, as well as the length of the romance while it lasted. If you dated for 3 months for example, I'd give it a month. But if you dated for 3 years, I might give it a year. I'd say it's much more about the period of time rather than the number of chances. It really depends how much having this person in my life held a value to me.

That's what you've got to be thinking about here, KTK- yourself. Many women in our culture especially from ages 16-25 have a considerable amount of trouble doing just that. Presumably, you and "Paradise Lost" broke up with good reason. Is he worth having in your life? How would you characterize the overall theme of the relationship? Do you ask yourself "My god, how did I ever think dating him was a good idea?" Or do you say to yourself "We had some good times. If I could live that part of my life over again, knowing what I know now, I probably would still date him." Or perhaps your emotional response falls between these two sentiments.

Either way, KTK, this decision needs to be made for YOU by you alone. Don't do anything for his sake. Otherwise, in some sense, the relationship never really ended ...

Entry Upcoming

Hi Peoplz,
Entry is up-and-coming this evening. Sorry for the delay. I just changed jobs from waitresssing to being an admin assistant. Movin' on up ...

Cybersex: The Final Frontier

Dear Diana,
What do you think about cybersex? In a monogamous relationship, is cybersex cheating? Does it matter if the participants are roleplaying characters rather than playing themselves?

This has actually come up for me in a past relationship, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it then. It's thankfully no longer an issue, but I think it's worth thinking about nevertheless. 

Yours Truly,

Cyber Confused Chap

----------------

Well Cyber-Confused-Chap, 
you're in luck. Unlike "Dear Abby" I won't give you advice that is markedly pro-monogamy. This is not to say I am anti-monogamy. This is to say "what works for consenting adult sexual partners" works for me. :)

The reality is, even monogamous partners have to define their relationship carefully. As in, the term "monogamy" does not mean the same thing to every person. I think we've all heard of situation where a woman feels "cheated on" because her (male) partner enjoys pornography regularly. Women also "unfaithful" to men vis a vis romance novels. Same sex partner couplings go through some of the same struggles.

When you have decided to commit to a long-term relationship (monogamous or otherwise) the relationship should be continually evolving, as you and your partner are living beings, and its the nature of that which is alive to evolve. For the two (or three, or four) of you to remain on the same wavelength, it's important for you to periodically check in on your partner's expectations. For example, has she been secretly fantasizing about a one-time MMF threesome? Has he been fantasizing about anal sex with his partner, but afraid to bring it up in conversation? Partners need to communicate in order to best meet the needs and desires of all parties in the relationship.

More directly to your point Cyber-Confused-Chap, cybersex is cheating if your relationship defines it as such. It matters if the participants are roleplaying as characters, if one or more partners states that it matters to them. Relationships between individuals are run very much a case-by-case basis. A good Sex Blogger or a Sex Counselor or a Therapist won't push you in a particular direction. They should advise you to proceed based on how you are your partner feel. You're adults. You can make your own decisions.

Hopefully you'll be back in the saddle in no time, asking me another question very soon about fantasy, reality, and monogamy. I'll save you the trouble and tell you that I'm just going to give you the same damn answer. :P

-Diana

Further Reading
Dan Savage, "Monogamy Is Unnatural"

Salon.com: Various Perspectives on Monogamy
Bobbi Dempsey, "Making Monogamy Exciting"