What do you think about cybersex? In a monogamous relationship, is cybersex cheating? Does it matter if the participants are roleplaying characters rather than playing themselves?
This has actually come up for me in a past relationship, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it then. It's thankfully no longer an issue, but I think it's worth thinking about nevertheless.
Yours Truly,
Cyber Confused Chap
----------------
Well Cyber-Confused-Chap,
you're in luck. Unlike "Dear Abby" I won't give you advice that is markedly pro-monogamy. This is not to say I am anti-monogamy. This is to say "what works for consenting adult sexual partners" works for me. :)
you're in luck. Unlike "Dear Abby" I won't give you advice that is markedly pro-monogamy. This is not to say I am anti-monogamy. This is to say "what works for consenting adult sexual partners" works for me. :)
The reality is, even monogamous partners have to define their relationship carefully. As in, the term "monogamy" does not mean the same thing to every person. I think we've all heard of situation where a woman feels "cheated on" because her (male) partner enjoys pornography regularly. Women also "unfaithful" to men vis a vis romance novels. Same sex partner couplings go through some of the same struggles.
When you have decided to commit to a long-term relationship (monogamous or otherwise) the relationship should be continually evolving, as you and your partner are living beings, and its the nature of that which is alive to evolve. For the two (or three, or four) of you to remain on the same wavelength, it's important for you to periodically check in on your partner's expectations. For example, has she been secretly fantasizing about a one-time MMF threesome? Has he been fantasizing about anal sex with his partner, but afraid to bring it up in conversation? Partners need to communicate in order to best meet the needs and desires of all parties in the relationship.
More directly to your point Cyber-Confused-Chap, cybersex is cheating if your relationship defines it as such. It matters if the participants are roleplaying as characters, if one or more partners states that it matters to them. Relationships between individuals are run very much a case-by-case basis. A good Sex Blogger or a Sex Counselor or a Therapist won't push you in a particular direction. They should advise you to proceed based on how you are your partner feel. You're adults. You can make your own decisions.
When you have decided to commit to a long-term relationship (monogamous or otherwise) the relationship should be continually evolving, as you and your partner are living beings, and its the nature of that which is alive to evolve. For the two (or three, or four) of you to remain on the same wavelength, it's important for you to periodically check in on your partner's expectations. For example, has she been secretly fantasizing about a one-time MMF threesome? Has he been fantasizing about anal sex with his partner, but afraid to bring it up in conversation? Partners need to communicate in order to best meet the needs and desires of all parties in the relationship.
More directly to your point Cyber-Confused-Chap, cybersex is cheating if your relationship defines it as such. It matters if the participants are roleplaying as characters, if one or more partners states that it matters to them. Relationships between individuals are run very much a case-by-case basis. A good Sex Blogger or a Sex Counselor or a Therapist won't push you in a particular direction. They should advise you to proceed based on how you are your partner feel. You're adults. You can make your own decisions.
Hopefully you'll be back in the saddle in no time, asking me another question very soon about fantasy, reality, and monogamy. I'll save you the trouble and tell you that I'm just going to give you the same damn answer. :P
-Diana
Further Reading
Dan Savage, "Monogamy Is Unnatural"
Dan Savage, "Monogamy Is Unnatural"
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