Should I Remain Friends With My Ex?

Dear Diana,
My boyfriend and I were on-and-off for awhile. I did finally say enough is enough and now we're through, but how many chances should you really give a guy?
~kinder than kind

Well Kinder Than Kind, it depends first of all on how long its been since you dated, as well as the length of the romance while it lasted. If you dated for 3 months for example, I'd give it a month. But if you dated for 3 years, I might give it a year. I'd say it's much more about the period of time rather than the number of chances. It really depends how much having this person in my life held a value to me.

That's what you've got to be thinking about here, KTK- yourself. Many women in our culture especially from ages 16-25 have a considerable amount of trouble doing just that. Presumably, you and "Paradise Lost" broke up with good reason. Is he worth having in your life? How would you characterize the overall theme of the relationship? Do you ask yourself "My god, how did I ever think dating him was a good idea?" Or do you say to yourself "We had some good times. If I could live that part of my life over again, knowing what I know now, I probably would still date him." Or perhaps your emotional response falls between these two sentiments.

Either way, KTK, this decision needs to be made for YOU by you alone. Don't do anything for his sake. Otherwise, in some sense, the relationship never really ended ...

Entry Upcoming

Hi Peoplz,
Entry is up-and-coming this evening. Sorry for the delay. I just changed jobs from waitresssing to being an admin assistant. Movin' on up ...

Cybersex: The Final Frontier

Dear Diana,
What do you think about cybersex? In a monogamous relationship, is cybersex cheating? Does it matter if the participants are roleplaying characters rather than playing themselves?

This has actually come up for me in a past relationship, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it then. It's thankfully no longer an issue, but I think it's worth thinking about nevertheless. 

Yours Truly,

Cyber Confused Chap

----------------

Well Cyber-Confused-Chap, 
you're in luck. Unlike "Dear Abby" I won't give you advice that is markedly pro-monogamy. This is not to say I am anti-monogamy. This is to say "what works for consenting adult sexual partners" works for me. :)

The reality is, even monogamous partners have to define their relationship carefully. As in, the term "monogamy" does not mean the same thing to every person. I think we've all heard of situation where a woman feels "cheated on" because her (male) partner enjoys pornography regularly. Women also "unfaithful" to men vis a vis romance novels. Same sex partner couplings go through some of the same struggles.

When you have decided to commit to a long-term relationship (monogamous or otherwise) the relationship should be continually evolving, as you and your partner are living beings, and its the nature of that which is alive to evolve. For the two (or three, or four) of you to remain on the same wavelength, it's important for you to periodically check in on your partner's expectations. For example, has she been secretly fantasizing about a one-time MMF threesome? Has he been fantasizing about anal sex with his partner, but afraid to bring it up in conversation? Partners need to communicate in order to best meet the needs and desires of all parties in the relationship.

More directly to your point Cyber-Confused-Chap, cybersex is cheating if your relationship defines it as such. It matters if the participants are roleplaying as characters, if one or more partners states that it matters to them. Relationships between individuals are run very much a case-by-case basis. A good Sex Blogger or a Sex Counselor or a Therapist won't push you in a particular direction. They should advise you to proceed based on how you are your partner feel. You're adults. You can make your own decisions.

Hopefully you'll be back in the saddle in no time, asking me another question very soon about fantasy, reality, and monogamy. I'll save you the trouble and tell you that I'm just going to give you the same damn answer. :P

-Diana

Further Reading
Dan Savage, "Monogamy Is Unnatural"

Salon.com: Various Perspectives on Monogamy
Bobbi Dempsey, "Making Monogamy Exciting"

7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo

Just for fun from Cracked.com:

Psychotic Relationship Advice from Cosmo


We get it. Guys are tough to figure out: There's like 24 possible combinations that you can make with 1) beer 2) food 3) sex and 4) sports. No wonder their girlfriends have to resort to lady magazines to gain insight into the buzzing hive that is the male mind. We know most women laugh that stuff off as cheap entertainment not to be taken seriously, but what if they actually did listen to all of the advice?

It'd pretty much turn into a nightmare of paranoia and petty revenge. After all, according to various Cosmo articles...

#7.

 

He Shares the Details of His Day, Therefore He Must Be Hiding Something

Men just aren't as communicative as women, especially when they're stressed. So, let's say a guy makes a conscious decision to share more. That's solid advice, no matter the source. When she asks him about his day, instead of just saying, "fine," he can tell her in detail about his argument with Sarah, the lady from HR.

Guess what? Sharing about his day was a big mistake. According to one Cosmo article, giving too many details is a sign that he's hiding something:

"Don't be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he's been or what he's been doing. At first, it may seem that because he can describe so much, he must be truthful. But he could actually be trying to cover his ass. 'If he's telling a story and you notice he's peppering it with insignificant details, that's a warning sign,' says Driver. 'This is especially true if you detect a lot of pauses, because it means he's trying to come up with more facts.' "

"How many more facts before you'll love me?"

Yes, according to Cosmo, by sharing so much about the stressful day he just had, the man is actually revealing that he's cheating on his partner (probably with Sarah). And all those times the man had to stop and think -- to make sure he didn't miss any details? You know, because he wanted to be more communicative? That's pure incrimination.

Relationships are like a game of chess, if chess had a move that forced the
other player to leave his home and possessions behind and stay in a Motel 6 for five weeks.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

The great thing about Cosmopolitan is that it regularly features both relationship red flag articles and "how to get back at him for cheating" articles. So, say this man's girlfriend listened to the former (that is, that her man is cheating because he can really paint a picture with words). Now she just picks up the next issue and figures out what to do about it:

"Resist the urge to break up with him until the day of his big meeting -- then give him a Sharpie mustache right before his alarm goes off."

There's no way your co-workers will notice.

As if work hasn't been stressful enough as it is, our hypothetical man's reward for talking to this hypothetical woman who obeys the mighty word of Cosmo about all the crap he deals with at work is ... more crap he has to deal with at work. Now he's stuck at the office looking like a 16-year-old trying to eke out his contribution to Movember.

Read more: 7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19066_7-psychotic-pieces-relationship-advice-from-cosmo.html#ixzz1JBUJCmiG