Dear Diana,
My boyfriend and I were on-and-off for awhile. I did finally say enough is enough and now we're through, but how many chances should you really give a guy?
~kinder than kind
Well Kinder Than Kind, it depends first of all on how long its been since you dated, as well as the length of the romance while it lasted. If you dated for 3 months for example, I'd give it a month. But if you dated for 3 years, I might give it a year. I'd say it's much more about the period of time rather than the number of chances. It really depends how much having this person in my life held a value to me.
That's what you've got to be thinking about here, KTK- yourself. Many women in our culture especially from ages 16-25 have a considerable amount of trouble doing just that. Presumably, you and "Paradise Lost" broke up with good reason. Is he worth having in your life? How would you characterize the overall theme of the relationship? Do you ask yourself "My god, how did I ever think dating him was a good idea?" Or do you say to yourself "We had some good times. If I could live that part of my life over again, knowing what I know now, I probably would still date him." Or perhaps your emotional response falls between these two sentiments.
Either way, KTK, this decision needs to be made for YOU by you alone. Don't do anything for his sake. Otherwise, in some sense, the relationship never really ended ...
I agree that this is a decision to be made by KTK alone. I haven't spoken to one of my exes since the break-up. We were together almost 4 years and it was one of those, "My God, how did I ever think dating him was a good idea" relationships. Another ex and I became good friends after only a few months after our break-up. We were together for almost 5 years. And, again, it was one of those "I would never again date him" relationships.
ReplyDeleteI think it really depends on the person. The first one, I really didn't want to be friends with. The second one, our relationship really was more of a friendship anyway, so I didn't want to lose it. It really depends on what you want the relationship to be.
I do have one ex who is a current friend. My sister has several. It can be done, but I'd agree it's case by case basis. In fact, I have also had one of those "let's be friends" that bounced in and out of being sexual and more than friends for a long time. In the end, that one just had to be ended.
ReplyDeleteI also have a relationship blog. Here's the latest from it.
http://21centuryrelationships.blogspot.com/
Whether or not you want to be friends with you ex should be determined on a case by case basis, as both Lyn and Nathan are saying here.
ReplyDeleteIt's very difficult to transition from romantic relationship to friends with benefits. But if you begin as friends with benefits, it is do-able to become romantic partners, assuming both partners want that. Sometimes only one partner wants the relationship to go "up a level" and that can get messy ...