Shutting Down the Blog

Hey Dudes & Dudettes--
My time in the blogosphere was brief, but it has come to an end. So I'm shutting down the blog until further notice. It might be lovely to start it again, although perhaps not on Blogger since a few members of my audience complained of inability to post anonymously.
I've picked up a couple obligations in the real world that are absorbing my time, not the least of which is my new Little Sister through the Big Sister Association, so I'm moving my focus there. Thank you for your contributions!

Music Videos & Sexuality

Hi Audience,
Sorry the update didn't go up yesterday as planned. Technical difficulties; Blogger ate my post instead of posting my post.

I didn't get any questions last week. :-(
So I thought of a game for us to play! :-)

Pick a music video released in 2009-2011, preferably one talking about love/sex as a theme. Any genre, so long as the song was in the Top 40 when it was released. (So pop, popular rap, popular country, etc are all valid categories.) Then, the next person will comment on what they see in the video. You might see gendered expectations. Or maybe sexuality expressed as kink? Or perhaps as vanilla romance? Whatever you see, tell us!

So I'll start with a personal favorite:
"Just Dance" by Lady Gaga


The next person comments on my video, and posts a video, creating a chain effect.
Have fun!

Technical Difficulties

Sorry folks,
Post on Thursday was written up and posted ... I've only just now noticed it has mysteriously disappeared. Weird. It'll be up by midnight tonight since I have to re-type it now.
-Diana

Watching of Porn

Porn. We all watch it. Most of us have ... strong feelings about it. How do women feel about porn? How do men feel porn? Can we generalize effectively? An article from Psychology Today shows some surprising reactions of men and women.

From Psychology Today:

And after all, women don't really like porn! Do they? In fact, studies by Meredith Chivers show that women react as strongly to porn as men do. In some cases, it seems that women actually react more strongly to porn than do men, as women respond with physiological arousal to visual depictions of almost any sexual activity, whereas men seem to be much more rigid and limited in what they respond to. But, whereas men respond with both physical and psychological arousal, women more frequently show physical arousal, at the same time they deny being turned on. So, women react to porn, they may just be unwilling or unable to acknowledge it - after all, they are taught from childhood that "good girls don't do that!"

Okay you say, alright, so maybe women react to porn, but they don't like the hardcore stuff. They want the nice stuff, romance, flowers and chocolate, then sex. They're not like men, who just want the money shot. Actually, in contrast to the belief that men watching pornography is just about the “gynecological shot,” and that all men care about is genitalia, recent research at the Atlanta Center for Behavioral Neuroscience has shown that when men watch pornography, the thing they attend to most, is a woman’s face. In fact, compared to women watching pornography, men looked at the faces of porn actors sooner and more, than women did!

So, women get turned on by pornography, but find it hard to admit. And men actually care about women's faces in pornos. How do you feel about watching pornography? If your partner watches pornography, is it violation of monogamy? Is is different if a women watches porn versus a man? Let me know what you think!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2011/apr/07/women-addicted-internet-pornography
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201010/women-watching-porn-not-in-my-town

Should I Remain Friends With My Ex?

Dear Diana,
My boyfriend and I were on-and-off for awhile. I did finally say enough is enough and now we're through, but how many chances should you really give a guy?
~kinder than kind

Well Kinder Than Kind, it depends first of all on how long its been since you dated, as well as the length of the romance while it lasted. If you dated for 3 months for example, I'd give it a month. But if you dated for 3 years, I might give it a year. I'd say it's much more about the period of time rather than the number of chances. It really depends how much having this person in my life held a value to me.

That's what you've got to be thinking about here, KTK- yourself. Many women in our culture especially from ages 16-25 have a considerable amount of trouble doing just that. Presumably, you and "Paradise Lost" broke up with good reason. Is he worth having in your life? How would you characterize the overall theme of the relationship? Do you ask yourself "My god, how did I ever think dating him was a good idea?" Or do you say to yourself "We had some good times. If I could live that part of my life over again, knowing what I know now, I probably would still date him." Or perhaps your emotional response falls between these two sentiments.

Either way, KTK, this decision needs to be made for YOU by you alone. Don't do anything for his sake. Otherwise, in some sense, the relationship never really ended ...

Entry Upcoming

Hi Peoplz,
Entry is up-and-coming this evening. Sorry for the delay. I just changed jobs from waitresssing to being an admin assistant. Movin' on up ...

Cybersex: The Final Frontier

Dear Diana,
What do you think about cybersex? In a monogamous relationship, is cybersex cheating? Does it matter if the participants are roleplaying characters rather than playing themselves?

This has actually come up for me in a past relationship, and I wasn't sure how I felt about it then. It's thankfully no longer an issue, but I think it's worth thinking about nevertheless. 

Yours Truly,

Cyber Confused Chap

----------------

Well Cyber-Confused-Chap, 
you're in luck. Unlike "Dear Abby" I won't give you advice that is markedly pro-monogamy. This is not to say I am anti-monogamy. This is to say "what works for consenting adult sexual partners" works for me. :)

The reality is, even monogamous partners have to define their relationship carefully. As in, the term "monogamy" does not mean the same thing to every person. I think we've all heard of situation where a woman feels "cheated on" because her (male) partner enjoys pornography regularly. Women also "unfaithful" to men vis a vis romance novels. Same sex partner couplings go through some of the same struggles.

When you have decided to commit to a long-term relationship (monogamous or otherwise) the relationship should be continually evolving, as you and your partner are living beings, and its the nature of that which is alive to evolve. For the two (or three, or four) of you to remain on the same wavelength, it's important for you to periodically check in on your partner's expectations. For example, has she been secretly fantasizing about a one-time MMF threesome? Has he been fantasizing about anal sex with his partner, but afraid to bring it up in conversation? Partners need to communicate in order to best meet the needs and desires of all parties in the relationship.

More directly to your point Cyber-Confused-Chap, cybersex is cheating if your relationship defines it as such. It matters if the participants are roleplaying as characters, if one or more partners states that it matters to them. Relationships between individuals are run very much a case-by-case basis. A good Sex Blogger or a Sex Counselor or a Therapist won't push you in a particular direction. They should advise you to proceed based on how you are your partner feel. You're adults. You can make your own decisions.

Hopefully you'll be back in the saddle in no time, asking me another question very soon about fantasy, reality, and monogamy. I'll save you the trouble and tell you that I'm just going to give you the same damn answer. :P

-Diana

Further Reading
Dan Savage, "Monogamy Is Unnatural"

Salon.com: Various Perspectives on Monogamy
Bobbi Dempsey, "Making Monogamy Exciting"

7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo

Just for fun from Cracked.com:

Psychotic Relationship Advice from Cosmo


We get it. Guys are tough to figure out: There's like 24 possible combinations that you can make with 1) beer 2) food 3) sex and 4) sports. No wonder their girlfriends have to resort to lady magazines to gain insight into the buzzing hive that is the male mind. We know most women laugh that stuff off as cheap entertainment not to be taken seriously, but what if they actually did listen to all of the advice?

It'd pretty much turn into a nightmare of paranoia and petty revenge. After all, according to various Cosmo articles...

#7.

 

He Shares the Details of His Day, Therefore He Must Be Hiding Something

Men just aren't as communicative as women, especially when they're stressed. So, let's say a guy makes a conscious decision to share more. That's solid advice, no matter the source. When she asks him about his day, instead of just saying, "fine," he can tell her in detail about his argument with Sarah, the lady from HR.

Guess what? Sharing about his day was a big mistake. According to one Cosmo article, giving too many details is a sign that he's hiding something:

"Don't be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he's been or what he's been doing. At first, it may seem that because he can describe so much, he must be truthful. But he could actually be trying to cover his ass. 'If he's telling a story and you notice he's peppering it with insignificant details, that's a warning sign,' says Driver. 'This is especially true if you detect a lot of pauses, because it means he's trying to come up with more facts.' "

"How many more facts before you'll love me?"

Yes, according to Cosmo, by sharing so much about the stressful day he just had, the man is actually revealing that he's cheating on his partner (probably with Sarah). And all those times the man had to stop and think -- to make sure he didn't miss any details? You know, because he wanted to be more communicative? That's pure incrimination.

Relationships are like a game of chess, if chess had a move that forced the
other player to leave his home and possessions behind and stay in a Motel 6 for five weeks.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

The great thing about Cosmopolitan is that it regularly features both relationship red flag articles and "how to get back at him for cheating" articles. So, say this man's girlfriend listened to the former (that is, that her man is cheating because he can really paint a picture with words). Now she just picks up the next issue and figures out what to do about it:

"Resist the urge to break up with him until the day of his big meeting -- then give him a Sharpie mustache right before his alarm goes off."

There's no way your co-workers will notice.

As if work hasn't been stressful enough as it is, our hypothetical man's reward for talking to this hypothetical woman who obeys the mighty word of Cosmo about all the crap he deals with at work is ... more crap he has to deal with at work. Now he's stuck at the office looking like a 16-year-old trying to eke out his contribution to Movember.

Read more: 7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19066_7-psychotic-pieces-relationship-advice-from-cosmo.html#ixzz1JBUJCmiG

Shaved or Hairy?

Is anyone else singing Love Arcade's "Candy" right now? Have you seen American Pie: Beta House?*

Dear Audience,
Today one of you asked me about shaving "down south". Now I'm sure much of my audience has tried bare it all. Many succeeded, a few botched the attempt. If you're a first timer or simply curious,
try WikiHow:
Female/Male
Male
Female

But actually, let me recapitulate. Our advisee asked us about getting someone else to shave their nether region.

"Here's one for you - what is the best way to ask someone to shave completely because you don't need help flossing?"-DNHF

(We'll call this guy Don't-Need-Help-Flossing.) 

Okay DNHP, so you want your partner to shave because you already floss every night. That's cool. (It makes you more hygenic than most of us!) Let's get some things straight. You've specified you are a male who tends to sleep with female partners, so I'll advise you accordingly. 

This is a little difficult because both men and women are uncomfortable talking about "their junk" in real terms. Some people are uncomfortable talking about their nether regions at all. Others can talk about it in very specific terms somewhat comfortably ie: dirty whispers in the bedroom. But the vast majority doesn't really want to tell their partner if they think they have something as common and minor as a yeast infection. We could all use a little more honesty in this regard.

But Don't-Need-Help-Flossing would like to ask his partner about shaving completely. First, DNHF, understand that your request has a right to be rejected outright. It's her body. Second, if you're going to ask her, be prepared to volunteer the same action upon yourself in solidarity. (This is more for if she's never shaved her vaginal region before.) Shaving down there is a big thing to ask of some people. It is a lot of work to begin shaving. And pubic hair grows back fast as fast as a beard. I haven't heard of anyone who really enjoys "bearded pussies". Simply because of the mechanics of oral sex, I don't hear as much about men shaving their junk. And that makes sense. The volume of hair in the genital region matters much more for oral sex female receiver than oral sex male receiver.

That being said, there are certainly a sizeable portion of men who trim their genital region. If you as a male who likes receiving oral sex and the question of trimming has never come up before, bring it up! You might your partner (female or otherwise) to go down on you more often if you were a little less bushy! 

Back to DNHF. Let's talk about phrasing. Obviously, wait 'til you're alone with your partner. Preferably somewhere where you're both comfortable like her apartment or your dorm. It's not going to come up in conversation without being awkward. Feeling awkward is okay. Begin with "I'd like to discuss an part of our sex life. I'd like for us to be able to talk about this openly, even though it's an uncomfortable subject. Specifically, I'd like to talk about the mechanics of oral sex between us." And go on from there. Feel free to paraphrase.

Keep in mind: try to use clinical terms to discuss this topic. Or at least words that aren't expressly dirty like "pussy" or "cock". "Vag" might be a reasonable term to use, if you think being *too* clinical would hurt you and your partner's ability to communicate openly.

Be prepared to be uncomfortable. Take a deep breath when you pause. Speak carefully and politely. Try to relax. It will help her relax too! :-)



*I'll keep starin', shaved or hairy, cuz that's the kinda fellow that I am. I'll pop that cherry if it's necessary, to make me, that jam."Love Arcade's song titled "Candy" is light & fun!

Don't Hate the Game, Hate the Gamer (Dragon Age 2)

You couldn't by any stretch of the imagination call me a gamer. But I have friends who are gamers! I love gamers! (Why does this phrase sound so different when I use an adjective describing a lifestyle rather than a race?). Anyhoo, world-renowned company named BioWare put out a fantasy fighting game called Dragon Age 2. (Trailer of Dragon Age 2) Sales are projected at 4.5 million in 12 months. Kind of a big deal.


In short, a Straight Male Gamer (we'll call him SMUG) complained because he got hit on by a male character in the multi-player function of the game. He drew enough attention to himself that he got a rep of Bioware to tell him his complaint was considered invalid. BO-YAH! Win the for the LGBT Community & Friends.

(Krissie Pearse covers this story well. Excerpts of article below.)


“Straight Male Gamer” told to ‘get over it’ by BioWare



BioWare adopted a (sadly) very special and very principled stance in designing one of their recent games, Dragon Age 2. Their stance was simple: relationships are for everybody, whether gay, straight, or anything else in between. You can also have have more than one romance at a time with the game’s characters. In this game, everybody is equal. Too equal, it seems, for one particular straight male gamer who was upset to be on the receiving end of a little flirting from another male character in the game. The reaction of this Straight Male Gamer? – To post a new thread on Bioware’s forums to complain…

To quote the complainant;

To summarize, in the case of Dragon Age 2, BioWare neglected their main demographic: The Straight Male Gamer.

I don’t think many would argue with the fact that the overwhelming majority of RPG gamers are indeed straight and male. Sure, there are a substantial amount of women who play video games, but they’re usually gamers who play games like The Sims, rather than games like Dragon Age. That’s not to say there isn’t a significant number of women who play Dragon Age and that BioWare should forgo the option of playing as a women altogether, but there should have been much more focus in on making sure us male gamers were happy.

Now immediately I’m sure that some male gamers are going to be like “YOU DON’T SPEAK FOR ME! I LOVE DRAGON AGE 2!”, but you have to understand, the Straight Male Gamer, cannot be just lumped into a single category.

Its ridiculous that I even have to use a term like Straight Male Gamer, when in the past I would only have to say fans, …

The irony of the complaint is clearly astounding. For those that do not play Dragon Age 2, there is yet a further irony in that the Straight Male Gamer clearly has a huge problem with LGBT people being catered to as well rather than a focus based entirely in Straight Male Gamers (and a little on women too, of course, just as an afterthought). but clearly has no problem with the game allowing inter-species romances between the human player controlled character and an Elf! You couldn’t make it up!

The romances in the game are not for “the straight male gamer”. They’re for everyone. We have a lot of fans, many of whom are neither straight nor male, and they deserve no less attention. We have good numbers, after all, on the number of people who actually used similar sorts of content in DAO and thus don’t need to resort to anecdotal evidence to support our idea that their numbers are not insignificant… and that’s ignoring the idea that they don’t have just as much right to play the kind of game they wish as anyone else. The “rights” of anyone with regards to a game are murky at best, but anyone who takes that stance must apply it equally to both the minority as well as the majority. The majority has no inherent “right” to get more options than anyone else.

More than that, I would question anyone deciding they speak for “the straight male gamer” just as much as someone claiming they speak for “all RPG fans”, “all female fans” or even “all gay fans”. You don’t. If you wish to express your personal desires, then do so. I have no doubt that any opinion expressed on these forums is shared by many others, but since none of them have elected a spokesperson you’re better off not trying to be one. If your attempt is to convince BioWare developers, I can tell you that you do in fact make your opinion less convincing by doing so.

And if there is any doubt why such an opinion might be met with hostility, it has to do with privilege. You can write it off as “political correctness” if you wish, but the truth is that privilege always lies with the majority. They’re so used to being catered to that they see the lack of catering as an imbalance. They don’t see anything wrong with having things set up to suit them, what’s everyone’s fuss all about? That’s the way it should be, any everyone else should be used to not getting what they want.


- Krissie Pearse


Complete article available at http://www.nomorelost.org/2011/03/25/straight-male-gamer-told-to-get-over-it-by-bioware/

Give Me Your Questions!

Yo Audience,
I'd love to make more posts for you. I need people to send in their questions. Diana_of_Boston@hotmail.com

Do it.

Did Professor Bailey Cross a Line? LIVE SEX FOR STUDENTS

We all have memorable teaching moments in our lives. For some of us, it's when our 8th grade science teacher sliced open a squid. For others, it's when our Lit. teacher read us one of Shakespeare's sonnets for the first time. Students at Northwestern U will invariably member their well-liked professor John Michael Bailey hosted an optional Live Sex Demonstration. More specifically, a 25 year old woman and her beloved vibrator got down and-- educational for the extra-curricular class special.

What do you think? Did Professor Baily cross a line? Was this merely a stunt to increase his already burgeoning popularity as a professor?

Cosmo & Viagra: Get Your Junk Outta My Business

We as Americans in a culture laden with sexuality portrayed by media can get a little overwhelmed by level at which "The Bar" is at. Additionally, it may not be overtly obvious to us that we, as a culture, are not open about our sexuality and sexual experiences in spite of the apparent gross frankness we are able to address the sexual concerns of celebrities, characters in television shows and movies, etc. Why, we can even go to our local grocery store and always always always pick up an issue of Cosmo, which promises to inform us on the topics of "75  Crazy-Hot Sex Moves" or more simply on "How to Have Good Sex". Now, I am not going to claim every article of Cosmomopolitan and similar magazines is contributing to a wacked out, unrealistic version of American sexuality, but the precedent of "31 Days of Sex" and "Experience OMG Yes Pleasure Tonight!" (both real Cosmo articles, btw) certainly indicates an American cultural phenomenon where a specific group of young adult women act as vixens in order to keep their dates/boyfriends sexually satisfied. One underlying message women are literally buying into is "If I am sexually talented and voracious enough, my man will not leave me to 'sow his wild oats'" as the old saying goes.

On the other hand, media manipulation of sexuality is not limited simply to women. Men too are sometimes subjected to media manipulation regarding their sexuality. Before Viagra, male "potency" supplements existed, of course. But certainly, after Viagra hit the consumer market in a big way, there is greater openess about a notable sexual problem generally affecting older men. Similar medications are now out on the market competing with Viagra, but there's also a resurgence in "herbal medicines" or " sex elixers" which are untested by the FDA and have unknown effects (let alone side effects!) on the individual's health. (Or at least effects untested through a clinical trial.)

Openness about "male sexual dysfunction" is certainly a consequence of marketing Viagra that is likely more markedly positive than negative. There was a ripple effect and thus, a drug which was only suitable for a relatively small portion of the population, is now advertised and used by a wider segment of the population than strictly necessary. It's even known to be used recreationally! Medications of course, are in the best of scenarios, described by careful and meticulous doctors who only dole out the drug when it is medically necessary. No medications should be administered to persons who do not need the medication in order to minimize health risks. Doctors and pharmicists are hard-pressed to find and create drugs without side effects; certainly a hard-on lasting for four hours is no picnic. Young people with good blood pressure and the ability to be physically active without much difficulty do not need Viagra.

Stallion Semen Energy Drink

Stallion Semen Energy Drink: 'Nuff said.
Stallion Semen Served Up In New Zealand As New Energy Drink

Growing Old Together: A Story of Kindness

I hope I am not alone in thinking from time to time about what it might be like to grow old together with my partner. I used to do imagine things like this with other long-term partners too. Today I witnessed a heartwarming event between elderly people that I wanted to relate.

I was at the Roche Bros. Supermarket (it's a bit high-end if you're not familiar with it) and there were five tables. All tables were taken up by an individual senior citizen, or by a couple. I, and two-middle aged, working class men were the only people there below 65. Anyway, this one lady had "reserved" a table while she was standing in line. I say "reserved" 'cuz she didn't leave her jacket on the table or any other sort of sign, she just kept slowly trotting back to her table when people "mistakenly" thought it was available. This couple came in. The man looked grumpy and wore a gray newspaper-boy cap. His wife looked kinder, although she had difficulty walking. She didn't have a cane or anything, she just used her husband's arm for support. They of course, tried to take the "unreserved reserved table" like everyone else did. Seeing no tables available, her husband asked her if she wanted to sit at the window on those "elevated seats" one sees at some restaurants.

The wife didn't want to sit on the elevated seats. Grumper exclaimed "C'mon, I just want a cup of coffee!"so she relented, and shuffled over. It became evident why she didn't want to sit in an elevated seat. Even with her husband's help, she no longer had the flexibility to climb up the chair. 

 "No, no! I don't want to sit here!" she cried out. "I want to go home." Grumper muttered under his breath and looked wildly around for a newly emptied seat. I nearly vacated my seat right there, but an old lady, waiting to have coffee with her friend at Roche Bros. asked if they were going to eat or not. 

Grumper replied "No, no! We're just gonna have a cup of coffee and maybe a pastry." Kind Lady invited them to have a seat. Grumper's wife sat down, and her husband went to buy drinks. "Don't worry dear, I don't bite," Kind Lady jokingly said to the wife. 

Sometimes, I get really discouraged when I travel through the crowded parts of Boston. People tend to be pushy and abrupt, if not outright rude. "Where did the value of kindness go?" I wonder sometimes. But I saw this today and I smiled. I hope we all have partners who will be as kind as Grumper when we are old. And I hope there will always be Kind Ladies in the world.

Introduction to "Let's Talk About SEX," the Blog

This blog's purpose is to help you get a better grip on your Sex and Dating Life, as well as to inform you about sexuality and culture in America & occasionally, other parts of the world. I believe in any given subject, there's room for improvement, and in the topics of Sex and Dating, our quest for self-betterment certainly is passionately motivated. Whether you are seeking a casual encounter, a long-term commitment, or a polyamorous lifestyle, I am here to help.


The anonymity of the Internet provides an ideal platform to speak on these topics with frankness. I hope to create a community of people who can respectfully exchange ideas and facts about such a critical topic. I am creating this space because the ability of open and honest communicatation about Sex & Dating is hampered by a few prevelant influences in American society today. Most prevalently, our American attitude towards sexuality is shaped by our exposure to media and our embarrasment at the idea of talking frankly about the subjects with "real people," whether those people are our friends, mothers, fathers, counselors, older siblings, a wise uncle or aunt, or whomever you might generally go to for advice on personal matters, but not in the matter of "sexuality". That's where I come in. I'm on the Internet, the home of anonymous interaction. That being said, I do hope to create a community of regulars who post comments to my entries, offering friendly criticism and responses to my expertise on the subject.

I intend to cover topics on Sexuality & Dating (LGBTQ friendly, of course). My goal is to take a couple steps closer to my goal getting a MA in Counseling Psychology, with additional specialization in Sexology.


What makes me qualified to advise you? I have studied Psychology & Human Sexuality extensively, both for coursework and personal pleasure. My influences & interests in the field of Human Sexuality Include:
Dan Savage of Savage Podcast,
Dr. Ruth Weistheimer of "Ask Dr. Ruth" a syndicated news column (merely 1 endeavor among countless others),
Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jetha co-authors of "Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality"
Janet Hyde & John Lamater, co-authors of "Understanding Human Sexuality," a textbook,
Dr. Karen Horner, Professor of Psychology at Catawba College
Dr. Jonathan Malino, Professor of Philosophy at Catawba College




I have served to counsel a number of friends over the years, generally about the subjects of Sex and Dating. You might say I have some "personal experience" in these matters. That's all I got for you. Lay it on me! My email is diana_of_boston@hotmail.com